Sassy site started as separation salve By Shera Dalin Of the Post-Dispatch
Friday, Feb. 18 2005 Issue (Business Section)
Group connects separated or divorced women for outings, lunches, dinners, travel and other activities
An Olivette woman parlayed her breakup into a way to break out of the corporate
mold and become a business owner with her startup, Sassy Pink Peppers.
For now, Terri Matheis, 50, is keeping her day job as a mortgage broker for
Double Tree Mortgage and an agent with Janet McAfee real estate. But the
Peppers are the spice in her life these days.
Divorced about five years ago, Matheis mourned the loss of friends and yearned
for a social network of single women. One day, she was having lunch and noticed
a group of Red Hat Society women thoroughly enjoying themselves and each
other's company.
What if there were a similar group for divorced women? Matheis pondered. She
set to work, and in September launched the Sassy Pink Peppers Web site. The
group connects separated or divorced women for outings, lunches, dinners,
travel and other activities.
In four months, more than 300 women joined Sassy Pink Peppers. Some 28,000
people visit the Peppers' Web site each
week, and many women have anted up
the $25 annual membership fee.
There are members nationwide as well as one in South Africa and Canada. More
than half of the Peppers live in the St. Louis area, but there is rapid growth
in California, New York City, Texas and Florida, where the Peppers plan to
concentrate on next, said activities director Kristin Powell, 40, of Ladue.
Matheis owned LADUZi, an espresso bar in Ladue, until she sold it in 2000 as a
result of her divorce. She said she was astounded that no one had formed such a
group before.
Why are women attracted to Sassy Pink Peppers?
When you get divorced, you lose your married friends, not because they turn
their back on you, but because they have their married lives. This is a way for
women to form new friendships with other single women. What a great thing for
divorced women who have to deal with the social isolation post-divorce.
What rules are there for being a Sassy Pink Pepper?
We've joked about "Pepper Protocol." We really only have one rule: We frown on
ex- (husband) bashing. It's really about moving on.
How did you start the business?
I did a lot of research before I started this. I couldn't find anything else
like it. There were support groups, government Web sites, but nothing like
this.
How did you get the word out?
I would go on national Web sites, and I would e-mail every divorce attorney,
certified divorce financial analysts - anyone - and ask them to spread the
word. I was hoping for a trickle-down effect. It worked.
Besides the membership fee, how does the website support itself ?
We sell merchandise: Sassy Pink Pepper hats, T-shirts, crystal sandals, jewelry. We
even have our custom-made sassy-pink front door paint. Everything ranges in price from
$10 to $250. Members get a 20 percent discount.
What is your long-term goal?
I hope this takes over my life. I really do. It's just so fun.
When do you think you'll break even?
I don't know for sure!
When will you be able to quit your jobs and do Sassy Pink Peppers
only?
I think in about five years; it could be sooner, depending on how fast it
grows.
What's next?
There are a couple of men I know who want to do something similar for men. I'll
be a partner with them, and they can use our Web site (as a template).
What the heck are Sassy Pink Peppers? Here's Simonie (SIM-uh-nee) Hodges, 33, leader of local chapter KC Peppers, to tell us. She moved to Liberty from Seattle last fall with her 2-year-old daughter and works from home as a contractor for Microsoft.
Q. Tell me about the Sassy Pink Peppers. A. It's a social group for divorced and separated women. A lot of women who get separated or divorced lose a lot of their married friends or they just have different lifestyles now than their married friends, and it's hard to find the same kinds of people as you to get together and talk or just to go out and have fun. Because married people are hanging out with each other, and you can only do so much of that.
Why are you peppers as opposed to peaches or plums?
(Laughs) The name actually came from the daughter of one of the ( St. Louis) women who started it. (That woman) had the sassy and the pink because pink was her favorite color and we're all sassy! But I think her daughter thought peppers went good with that. The two women who started the group were friends when they were going through their divorces, and they realized the value of that. There are divorce support groups - usually they're in a church or affiliated with something - but this is focused on being able to get out and have fun again.
How many Sassy Pink Peppers are there in the KC area?
Well, it changes daily. At any one gathering, we've had maybe six or eight people, like at a happy hour, but every day we get more people. We're really trying to build. The St. Louis group started last September with just a handful of people like we have, and now they have, I think, 300. Right now we're scheduling events all over the area, different days, different times, different types of events.
Such as...?
So far we've had happy hours, a high tea, attended a wine-tasting. Later this summer we're having a pool party. We're even going to have a kids' party, because a lot of us do have kids of different ages. Maybe a spa party, too.
Do you know whether there's a similar group for divorced men - the Surly Purple Peppers or something like that?
That's a good name! As far as I know, there isn't one on this scale, but I know the leaders who organized the St. Louis group are working with a group that contacted them about putting one together for men.
And the Peppers' motto is ...
"Laugh. Dance. Move on." (Laughs)
So there's a little attitude with the Peppers.
Well, it's the sassy part! It's a good attitude, is what it is. The whole point is to be upbeat and positive, because we've all been through enough of the opposite in our recent lives.
Orzo dish combines fresh spring flavors
By Cleora Hughes
Of the Post-Dispatch, May 11, 2005 (Food Section)
Name: Kristin Powell Home: Ladue Family: One son and two daughters Occupation: Activity Director for the Sassy Pink Peppers
No sad songs: "The founder of the Sassy Pink Peppers, Terri Matheis, and I jointly work in running the organization, which is a fun social group for separated and divorced women.
"Our motto is: 'Laugh. Dance. Move On!' We all appreciate our married friends. Following divorce, however, our lifestyles are now different. Our group offers its members the opportunity to make new friendships in their single world. We are not a support group, and we don't bash males. We are simply a social group of women doing things gals like to do together.
"We plan weekly activities such as happy hour, lunch, shopping in local historic cities and weekly sports leagues, just to name a few. We even went as a group to get manicures and pedicures one Sunday morning."
Everyone is welcome: "Our group is open to any divorced or separated woman. We also have a few widows. We currently have 500 members ranging in age from 27 to 68, and, yes, most of our members do have children.
"Actually, we feature a weekly recipe on the Activity Page of our Web site. We try to put recipes on that Terri and I have tried and fed our kids. We prefer them to be fast and easy to accommodate the hectic schedules most women endure these days. We also have an area on our Message Board where members may post their favorite recipes, and that way, we can trade."
Becoming a member: "The best way to join is to go to our Web site: www.sassypinkpeppers.com. Click on the Join Page and proceed with the instructions. We do have a $25 annual membership fee, which can be paid by credit card on our secure Verisign server. If anyone has a question, they may e-mail me at any time Kristin@sassypinkpeppers.com, and I will be glad to assist in any way I can."
Favorite dish: "It is really hard for me to only pick one favorite dish. I chose this orzo recipe because it is great as a side dish or it can be tossed with grilled chicken or steak as a main dish. Bon Appetit magazine is where I get most of my recipes. However, this one has been changed through the years between my sister, Tory, and myself. I think it is a combination of many different recipes, and now it has become a family staple."
Orzo With Spring Vegetables
Yield: 12 side-dish or 8 main-dish servings.
8 cups chicken broth 4 cups water 1 pound orzo (rice-shaped pasta) 3/4 to 1 cup extra-virgin olive oil, divided 4 cups thinly sliced baby spinach leaves 1-1/2 cups thinly sliced sun-dried tomatoes 1/2 cup sliced kalamata olives, optional 1 bunch green onions (green part only), finely chopped, 1/2cup thinly sliced fresh basil 1/2 cup pine nuts, toasted 2 (4-ounce) containers feta cheese Juiceof 1 lemon Salt Freshly ground black pepper
Bring chicken broth and water to a boil. Add orzo; cook according to package directions. Drain.
Mix warm orzo with 1/2 cup olive oil. Set aside until orzo is cool, then toss with spinach, tomatoes, olives, onion, basil, nuts and cheese. Add 1/4 cup of the remaining olive oil and lemon juice. If mixture is too dry, add up to 1/4 cup more oil. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Toss to mix lightly but well.
If making ahead, cover and refrigerate up to 2 hours in advance. Bring to room temperature before serving.
Group Group fosters sassy attitude to life after divorce
Julie Randle
Of the Suburban Journals
Oakville-Mehlville Journal
Suburban Journals - January 5, 2005
A woman who is involved in a marriage that ends in divorce has two choices: She can either dwell on the negative, which leads to bitterness, or she can decide that's the way life is, pick up the pieces and move on with head held high.
Terri Matheis, 50, twice divorced, chose the second option. The West County woman has a positive outlook on love and life. To help other divorced women develop and maintain a positive attitude in marriage's aftermath, she established the Sassy Pink Peppers, a social group for divorced women with "no rules, no by-laws, no nothing," Matheis said.
"It's a group of divorced women and our motto is ‘laugh, dance and move on,'" Matheis said. "We're not a man-hater group. We're not a therapy group. We're a social group, where we introduce divorced women to other divorced women and go out and do things girls do."
Women from the St. Louis area and throughout the country are members of the organization, which is Internet based and has its own website, www.sassypinkpeppers.com.
The site contains a message board, book reviews, movie suggestions, a calendar of events, a member locator page, and an e-mail program that allows members to e-mail each other through a secure system so personal information isn't known. The site has been getting about 15,000 hits a week.
Members from the local area get together once a week for social outings, typically on a Wednesday or Thursday evening. Members have met at restaurants, baked holiday cookies at a member's home, or gone to a play or a movie.
Matheis, a mother of four children, chose to use a web site because it provides an open line of communication and protects members' privacy.
"The power of the internet to reach women across this country is amazing!," Matheis said.
So far, the Sassy Pink Peppers have 200 members nationwide, of which 100 are from the St. Louis Metropolitan area. The youngest member is 28 and the oldest 61, but the majority of members range in age from the mid-30s to mid-50s, Matheis said. Members range from stay-at-home mother to a construction company owner.
Matheis decided to start the group while having lunch with a friend at The Charcoal House, 9855 Manchester Road, when a group of ladies from the Red Hat Society strolled through the doors. Her friend, who didn't know about the Red Hat ladies, soon found Matheis explaining the purpose of the group.
"Then a light bulb went off," she said. "It's a great concept. It's so needed for the divorced crowd."
The Sassy Pink Peppers are mainly divorced or separated women, but widows are welcome, Matheis doesn't check records to verify an individual's marital status. Any woman is eligible to join who has been involved in a long-term relationship that has ended. In Matheis' view, a long-term relationship leaves the same scars even if it has not had the benefit of clergy.
The Sassy Pink Peppers is a one-of-a kind group. To Matheis' knowledge, there is no other group like it anywhere.
The only requirement to be a member is that women be 18 and over and be either divorced, separated or widowed. Once member's sign up they are required to give a credit card number for the yearly membership dues.
"Using credit cards as a means of payment has an added bonus in that it verifies that they're over 18 and a woman for us," Matheis said.
To promote the Sassy Pink Peppers and market her product, Matheis sent e-mails across the country to divorce attorneys, certified divorce financial analysts and marriage counselors to inform them of the site and the women's group. From Sept. 30 to Nov. 15, she sent out about 400 e-mails a week.
The Sassy Pink Peppers name was inspired by Matheis' love for the color of pink.
"Sassy was more of an attitude: ‘Yeah, I'm divorced. Now it's time to move on,'" Matheis said.
Matheis' daughter, Molly Lamping, 13, thought of "peppers."
Matheis approaches love with a positive attitude and isn't afraid to fall again for a man.
"I'm totally open to wherever life takes me," said Matheis, a real estate broker for Janet McAfee and mortgage broker for Doubletree Mortgage.
So if Matheis is open to the possibility of love again what happens if a group member re-marries? Could they still be a member of the Sassy Pink Peppers?
"Like I said; I don't check records!," she said.
"I would encourage any woman out there who would love to go out and do something to join the group," Matheis said. "They'll meet women who have the same interests."
For more information or to become a member of the group, call (314) 997-4300, 1(866) 997-4300 or visit www.sassypinkpeppers.com..
Liberty woman spices up life after divorce
By Natalie Shelton
Liberty Tribune
June 22, 2005
Newly divorced Simonie Hodges moved with her young daughter nine months ago to liberty from Seattle and spiced up her life by leading the Kansas City chapter of the Sassy Pink Peppers.
She wasn't interested in mourning with other women about the loss of a relationship. She just wanted to move on, she said.
And that was Terri Matheis’ premise in founding the group 8 months ago. The only criteria for joining were: A woman must be divorced or separated and pay annual fees of $25.
“It's apparently something people have wanted for a while,” said Matheis of St. Louis, whose group boasts 600 members nationwide. “It's become kind of a social phenomenon, really.”
Matheis said Hodges joined the group on-line 2 months after moving to Liberty and became personal with Matheis and Sassy's Vice President Kristin Powell through forthcoming and funny e-mails.
“Simonie joined in November and e-mailed us with so many ideas and plans.”.Matheis said. “She had so much energy, and finally we traveled across the state because we just had to meet her.”
Hodges moved to Liberty because her daughter's god parents, close friends of hers, lived in the area. Because she works from home as a contractor for Microsoft, she didn't have many avenues to meet people, especially women who had been through a divorce or separation.
Hodges organizes social activities for the KC group, whose motto is “Laugh. Dance. Move on.,” throughout the area, including Liberty, Gladstone, Blue Springs, Lee's Summit, Overland Park and other communities.
‘We don't get together to talk about our exes,” she said. “Of course not with divorce as a common thread, it's natural for newcomers to share what brought them to our group. And then, as women form friendships in Sassy Pink Peppers, they might get together at other times to discuss things more privately.”
Hodges has organized wine tastings, Art walks, happy hours, high teas, and more for the group. She also has activities in the works that include children.
“We really want divorced or separated women to come,” she said. “I am so happy to have this, and I think other women will benefit from the network of women they'll meet.”
That's the motto for the Sassy Pink Peppers, a nationwide social group dedicated to helping divorced women get up and go out.
“One of the biggest things a divorced woman faces initially is isolation and being stuck at home,” said Terri Matheis, the group's founder. “I say let's move on from the bad spot and do it with the help of your girlfriends.”
Once she decided to start the group, she needed a name that would be as fun and inspiring as her cause.
“Sassy is the adjective that defines the group,” Matheis said. “I chose pink because it's my favorite color and my daughter, Molly, decided on peppers.”
Now in its second year, the Sassy Pink Peppers have more than 1,000 members in multiple charter chapters across the country, including chapters in Pleasantville and Richland.
Each chapter sets up its own outings, ranging from happy hours to group shopping trips. Occasionally Matheis sets up group-wide events, like an upcoming girls weekend in Las Vegas.
But don't expect to spend your time with the Pink Peppers crying rivers and calling your ex bad names. That's a no-no.
“It's a pepper protocol,” Matheis said. “There is no male-bashing allowed in this group whatsoever.”
After you fill out the application, the site supplies you with a list of the 50 members closest to your house, along with their zip codes and e-mail addresses.
Just divorced? Congratulations, and here's a voodoo doll!
By Clare Levenson
Two days after putting a legal end to 20 years of faithful marriage, Stacey Carkhuff decided to celebrate.
At her step-mom’s house in Kansas City, Mo., her friends welcomed her with a surprise.
They lit candles and asked Carkhuff to read 30 phrases celebrating her new life: no more NASCAR, only half the dishes to wash and no seat up on the toilet.
Then came the divorce gifts. The 44-year-old travel consultant received a pink and black negligee, a garter with the words “bad girl,” flavored condoms and a sticker with the phrase: “There are two sides to a divorce: shit head’s and mine.” She also got a necklace with little penises. “I only wore it once,” she said.
“It was like bachelorette party gifts, preparing me for my new life, with sexy underwear, a new address book,” Carkhuff said. “It helped me boost up my ego.”
A growing number of Americans, like Carkhuff, are celebrating their divorces, and retailers are trying to take advantage of the trend. From Vermont pottery boutiques to shops selling erotic toys, gift designers are exercising their creativity on break-up and divorce themes. Friends and family can buy ex-wife toilet paper, “Happily divorced” T-shirts or special voodoo dolls.
“With every passing year there are more and more divorce items on the market,” said Wanda Halstead, who founded a divorce support group in Virginia. “Maybe there are people who need an ex voodoo doll to make them feel better.”
Clearly, people are growing more comfortable with the notion of divorce.
“It reveals that divorce is no longer stigmatized,” said David Popenoe, a sociologist at Rutgers University. There has been a big shift over the years, he continued. In some areas you had to leave town when you were going through a divorce and now people celebrate.
About 40 to 45 percent of all first marriages end in divorce in the United States. And a second marriage has an even higher divorce rate.
Celebrating divorce is a middle-class and upper-middle-class trend, Popenoe said, because splitting up has less financial impact on these households. For lower-class couples, divorce can be devastating. “I doubt that they get any gifts,” he said.
A particular etiquette has developed for divorce gifts.
Leah Ingram, a gift etiquette specialist, recommends monogrammed notepads or hand towels with a woman’s pre-marriage initials. But if your friend has a silly sense of humor, try the toilet paper, she said.
Divorcees have diverging opinions on the issue of gag gifts. Halstead has seen different reactions to a variety of gifts. One of her friends was given the ex-husband toilet paper and was offended. Another friend was offered a cake with her ex-husband’s picture on it. “She took a knife and hacked into his face. It gave her relief,” Halstead said.
Some find the gag gifts psychologically counterproductive. Terri Matheis, founder of a divorce national support group called Sassy Pink Peppers, dislikes items that are disrespectful of the former partner. She thinks they put too much negative energy on the past.
Therapists usually like the idea of gifts, but they wouldn’t recommend voodoo dolls or silly T-shirts.
“My guess is that these gifts were designed by people who never divorced,” said Micki McWade, a clinical social worker and group therapist who has written three books about divorce.
Whether these gifts are therapeutic or not, several companies have been trying to market them for quite some time.
In 1958, Hallmark introduced its first greeting card with a message ahead of its time: “Want to get rid of that ugly fat? Divorce him.” It didn’t sell. When the divorce rate went over 50 percent in 1973, the company introduced another array of cards. But America was not ready to openly discuss divorce.
Today, Hallmark offers a small selection of both funny and serious divorce cards. The front of one card has a painting of a mountain landscape and the words: “There’s been a change in my life.” The inside of the card announces the divorce.
They are not as popular as Valentine's Day or birthday cards, according to a Hallmark spokeswoman, but there seems to be a growing demand for them.
At Cafepress.com, an online store, the number of divorce items has grown to 3,800 in 2007 from 367 in 2005.
Noticing the trend, Scott Schmeizer chose to bet on a revenge-related item. And it worked.
For Schmeizer, chief executive of CSB Commodities, his own separation became a business inspiration. After his divorce, he fell in love with the design for a knife holder: a human plastic figurine with five knives going through its body. Thinking of what he had gone through, he called it "The Ex Knife Holder.”
Schmeizer said customers had contacted him to say how much they loved the design. He added that it was the first time the company had gotten such an enthusiastic reaction from the public.
He doesn’t view the product as mean-spirited or sadistic. “It is artistic, and many people laugh because it is cathartic to view this and think of an ex,” he wrote in an e-mail message.
For those who feel betrayed by an ex, revenge gifts can be welcome.
After Carkhuff’s ex-husband left her for another woman, she ended up wishing him pain. She even wished he were dead.
“I think I would have liked the voodoo doll,” she said with a laugh.
By Daisy Chan It’s no secret: Dating again after a divorce can be intimidating. Who? Me, out there again? I have no idea what to do, let alone how to meet someone.
One piece of reassurance: You’re not alone. Another: Finding the right approach for you can make the process a lot less unnerving—and yes, fun! Here’s advice from dating-after-divorce experts on how to get yourself in dating shape.
Mantra #1: “I won’t rush it”
The person you thought you’d share your life with is suddenly out of the picture, and the world as you knew it is changing. You need time to heal, and diving into a relationship before you have dealt with your emotions is a set-up for failure. “All that emotion makes you super-sensitive to what the other person does,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Long Beach, CA, and author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. “If the other person does or says anything that reminds you of your ex, you’ll react and it’ll affect your self-esteem. You’ll find a way to push the person away.” It takes at least six months to really be ready to date again, says Dr. Tessina. Other signs to look for: You’re no longer reliving the events of your marriage and are not angry with your ex, and you understand your own part in what went wrong.
Deborah Slater, whose divorce from her husband of 12 years was finalized in April, says recovery time is key. “In the beginning, everything was a reminder of the past,” says the mom of two from New York. “Then I made a list of all the things I wanted to do that I didn’t get to because of marriage, distraction and children, and I checked them off as I did them. As time passed, I didn’t cry as much, and I started to be happier. That’s when I knew I was ready to move forward.”
Mantra #2: “I won’t repeat the mistakes of the past”
It’s easy to fall into the trap of ignoring the past—no one wants to revisit painful memories. But to really move forward, you’ve got to step back. “All human beings work in patterns,” says Tessina. “You don’t want to get into another bad pattern. Deconstruct your previous relationship. It’s not a mystery, and you can see your own part and the other person’s part. Make new mistakes, not old ones.”
If you need to, find a therapist who can help you start figuring out what went wrong and how not to go there again. Were you putting up with behavior from your ex that you shouldn’t have? Maybe you were too reactive, perhaps you expected too much or not enough? Understanding the roles you and your ex played and taking responsibility for your part will help you get over the past—and avoid repeating it!
Mantra #3: “I will have fun!”
Once you know what mistakes not to repeat, you should go out and zero in on someone who’s as different from your ex as possible, right? Wrong. Getting too picky too soon makes it hard for you to achieve your first dating goal: to get comfortable with the process. “Don’t worry about whether each new person you meet is The One,” says Michael S. Broder, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia and author of The Art Of Living Single. “Just go out, and have some fun. Relax, and get your feet wet a little.” That means reducing your expectations of what you want in the person you meet and not reading things into the person. Try to just socialize and be in the present moment instead of calculating if a relationship will develop.
Cari Nelson, who has been divorced for seven years, thinks this non-judgmental attitude is crucial to enjoying dating. “You need to be open to meeting all different kinds of people and not relying on just your initial view of a person,” says the St. Louis native, who’s a member of Sassy Pink Peppers (www.sassypinkpeppers.com), an online group for divorced women. “There could be good traits about a person that you’re not seeing if you dismiss him or her right away. It’s all a learning process.”
Mantra #4: “I’ll lean on my friends”
Chances are that when you were married, you lost touch with some, maybe even most, of your friends. Now’s a good time to jumpstart the connections again. Slater recommends looking up friends from your past who can give you a link to the person you were before you got married. Finding out who you really are will help you build meaningful relationships next time around.
“I called my college, high school, even elementary-school friends,” Slater says. “They were very supportive. I had sort of given up my own identity, and it took me quite some time to find myself again.” Surrounding yourself with friends who will listen to you without judgment or advice is key, Slater adds. They’ll be there for you when you don’t want to be alone, and in sharing their issues and problems, can help you see beyond your own sorrow. They can reconnect you with the things your single self used to enjoy. (And while new friendships can take a while to forge, they are a wonderful source of energy in your life. See the next tip for how to make some new pals.)
Mantra #5: “I will discover and pursue my passions”
You know how meeting people was a lot easier in school? That’s because you were thrown in with a group of peers, there was no pressure, and you got a chance to get to know people gradually. Try the same thing now, suggests Laurie Armstrong, a divorced mom in Texas. “Joining organizations, groups, and associations that interest you is a good approach,” she says. “You learn something new, which is an instant boost to your confidence, and you meet new people. They may be older or younger, but they introduce you to other people.” And if some of your new friends are single, so much the better—they may make the best companions at this time in your life when you want to be out and about rather than hanging out with your coupled-up pals.
Armstrong zeroed in on sports organizations, such as those for rock-climbing and hiking, which not only raised her chances of meeting men who share her enthusiasm for being active, but also offered the added bonus of keeping her in shape. You can also try continuing-ed classes at a local college, cooking or wine-tasting courses, attending book readings, gardening lectures, whatever piques your interest. Also check out www.meetup.com to find groups of people in your area who share your passions, whether that’s ’80s heavy metal or snow-shoeing. Discovering kindred spirits is a thrill, and, who knows, one of them might be a great person to invite out for a coffee date!
Daisy Chan is a New York-based writer and editor who has written for Travel & Leisure, Fortune Small Business, and Essence.
Orzo With Spring Vegetables